Some days...

Some days all I can think about is how I want a normal baby, that this must be a punishment for something we did terribly wrong and how massively unfair it feels.

I want her to take a pacifier, be content while not being held for more than a few seconds, to not fight her sleep so badly that when she falls asleep at the breast, she stretches my nipple out to epic proportions, rips off and screams. I dream of the day when she'll sleep unswaddled.

I want to be able to take her out in public without everyone staring at me like I'm some sort of awful parent because I can't make my baby stop crying.

I want her to be happy because then maybe I could be happy too.

Sprinkle all of that with raging guilt because she is healthy and beautiful. I just want her to stop crying.